Things I Hate About You

Pick it up!

2011-02-16T22:48:00.000-08:00

If you are one of those people with a loud custom ring tone enabled on your phone... this message is for you.

You know who you are! The guy with the old school rap tune that repeats “I like big butts!” every time you get a call. Or even if you use an ordinary ring tone but have it cranked up so loud that you can hear it if you leave it at home while you go to the store.

I want to let you in on something. If you feel the need to do this, you automatically give up your right to screen your calls.

There is to be no screwing around when that phone rings! Answer it!

It might have been trendy 15 years ago to let that infernal noise broadcast the fact that you were one of the lucky few to have one of those new fangled cordless telephones, but now that every kid in third grad has one, it is just annoying.

When that phone rings, you have an obligation to do whatever it takes to stop the noise.

Okay, okay! We all readily acknowledge the fact that someone cares enough to dial your number on purpose… and that, in itself, demonstrates that you are not a complete and utter failure as a human being (maybe). But the truth is that we just don’t care enough to make it worth the level of annoyance it causes

You may think it's a “cute” representation of your individuality, and that everyone instantaneously finds you irresistibly original, but we actually hate you and plot your painful demise with each call you receive.

Oh, and if you are in a theater or other public place where other people are trying to do ANYTHING, and you get a call on your cell phone…take it OUTSIDE!

Unless the babysitter is on fire… I think we can all let that one slide.

Walk "thith" way please

2011-02-16T21:22:00.000-08:00

What is with the guy that refuses to let another man hold the door open for him? I cant tell you how many times I have opened a door (only because I got to it first) and held it open for people behind me, only to find one guy who refuses to walk through a door held open by a man... like it is going to make you look like less of a man because another guy holds a door for you!

Seriously! Some guys will just stop dead in their tracks and refuse to proceed through the door. It's like they somehow feel that I have magically transformed a seemingly harmless door into a "Gay-o-nator" (I may have watched one to many episodes of Phineas & Ferb with my kids) that will instantaneously cause your clothes to match and make you an expert on Broadway musicals.

There may be some folks out there that get their kicks by lingering around busy doorways in an attempt to pick out men that appear to be insecure in their masculinity and force them to wear floral print sun dresses, but I assure you that most of us are just trying to be nice for a change.

Smell you later

2011-02-16T20:39:00.000-08:00

So I get it. You stink. Why is it that you just don't bathe? Instead, you insist on showering in perfume or cologne. Okay, I have been told by my wife that if you put on a little, It wears off so you put on a bunch and when the stench dies down, you have an odor that will carry you through the day.

I have a earth shattering idea! Put on a little... Then carry some with you and put some more on later when the initial coat is gone.

I want to kick you in your Facebook!

2011-02-14T15:59:00.001-08:00

I think Facebook is a real great idea. I am not really into it personally, but I can admit that networking with friends and family can be fun and Facebook is as good a tool as any I guess.

My "issue" is with the morons that use Facebook like some form of Twitter account (Not to be confused with the morons that actaually use Twitter accounts). Let me clear this up for you... it is a waste of your time and mine If you post random fragmented thoughts with no purpose or background.

What you fail to understand (at least I hope it is as simple as you not understanding) is that we, the unlucky members of your "friends", will see all of your posts on our pages.

Most of the time we have no idea what you happen to be looking at right now...

We were not on the phone call you just got off of and...

we cannot read your tiny mind.

So, when you post some fragmented thought like:

"I like that too"

Or

"u r a hatr"

we don't know what the hell you are talking about! It means about as much to the rest of the world as those gang signs posted on the freeway overpass.

All we see is proof that your Attention Deficit medication needs to be double dosed.

If you are going to share any of the crap that goes through your head, at least explain it so we dont have to guess why we dont return your calls.

Buy a vowel d_mb_ss!

2011-02-07T20:10:00.001-08:00

The letter U, even though it sounds like the word "you", is never an acceptable substitution for the actual word. The same goes for the letter R. It is not the same as the word "are".

If you are going to spend the time to create some form of literary graffiti and place it in the face of the unsuspecting masses, then try not to blatantly point out the failings of the U.S. educational system.

If you really feel, deep in your shallow heart, that anyone really cares what was on your mind today at 10:05am, when anyone with an actual purpose in life, was earning some form of wage, while you were contemplating the secrets of the universe from your place in the Starbucks line... Then at least spend the extra three seconds to make sure that "normal" people can read your mindless dribble.

If you cannot afford the minimal effort that requires, at least be considerate enough to limit the publication of your memoirs to the bathroom stall at that old truck-stop out on the interstate... or the Internet equivalent of that stall... Twitter.

Drive off a cliff already!

2010-03-06T19:24:00.000-08:00

OK... If you see a merge sign and the bent line (which designates the MERGE lane) is on your side of the road, it is YOUR resposibility to find a way to get your ass into the lane next to you. It is nobody elses duty but yours. If I am in that lane don't honk at me for not going out of my way to make room for your ass. Slow down an find a hole.

And while I am at it... If the traffic lanes are being reduced because of an accident, road work, or just the mental incompetance of the city engineers, don't be the TOOL that rides all the way to the very end of the merging lane when other people have taken the time to get over ahead of time. It only demonstrates your ignorance and eventually will end in a terrible but justified road rage incident.

Driving Ms. Daisy (into a brick wall)

2009-08-01T20:03:00.000-07:00

OK. So this is a generic "hate" as it applies to a variety of people. I see them every day as do you. Hell, you might even be one. If so, take out a healthy life insurance policy, send your spouse and children on a vacation then get drunk and play with guns in your bathroom (to reduce collateral damage).

Having established that, the cause of this rant is due to an ugly chick in a convertible BMW. She cruises north on this long stretch of road that I travel each morning. Now… let me be honest with you, I have never seen anything but the back of her head so how may you wonder do I know that she is ugly? It is a simple deduction Dr. Watson! Put down the opium and let me learn you sumpin’

First, lets establish the fact (generalization) FACT (GENERALIZATION)…

OK, I could argue with you all day on this. Let’s just agree to disagree. (even though you are wrong)

I have found.. (how is that?)… that there are on average only two types of women that drive expensive imports. They are… (drum roll..) ugly women and gorgeous women. Oh I know that there are technically more categories that, but I think this covers it. Let me explain.

To have an expensive import automobile, you have to have money, right? So this means that you have earned the money and bought it for yourself or someone else has earned the money and for some reason purchased the vehicle for you. How does this apply to women you ask? Read on.

You can upchuck all the politically correct equality dribble that you want, but when it comes right down to it, there is still a wall that separates women and men and how society treats them. Women rights activists will complain from one side of the wall about why the wall is there and how we need to tear it down. All the while, the majority of the women out there are yelling their support but they REALLY love that wall and if it was ever really gone and they were on a level playing field with men… there would be so much bitching, we men would find some way of putting it back just to shut them up. OK… I have to concentrate on the topic… focus… focus…

Consider a really good looking woman (aka hot), and unless you were raised by wolves in an arctic snow cave, you KNOW if you are hot. You, being a hot woman, know the power you have over men. We men are, as we all know, driven purely by our urges. The stronger the urge, the more powerful the drive. So, if you are a hot woman and you talk to a man (heterosexual) and ask him to do something, he usually will. In fact, he will fetch the stick, bring it back to you and kill his friends along the way without a second thought. These are the women that get whatever they want. They are driving the expensive cars because a man has earned the money and she threw the stick… and you brought back a Mercedes. Daddy’s girls (ugly or hot) and the occasional hot educated woman are exceptions to the rule.

On the other extreme, there are the unattractive women. These can be women that can actually turn milk to cheese with a glance or just an average looking woman that chooses not to get dolled up and play the “stick” game. These women have money… They have plenty of it. They never got the attention from the guys while they were young. They stuck to their studies and got good grades. They got into college and while the hotties were out partying, the notties were back in the dorm doing their chemistry homework. They graduated with honors and got a great job. Partially, because of their abilities… and partially due to affirmative action. ( we pay people to hire women and minorities). These women have the money for nice cars as well.

As long as we are on the subject.. has anyone ever seen a HOT female doctor? Really seen one? Probably not. Unless she is damaged goods and totally mental. Why would you walk through a blazing desert to get a glass of water when you could have little Peter (pun intended) crawl naked on his belly across the sand and bring it back to you with ice cubes in it?

Sooo… the car was driven by a woman. How do I know what kind of woman?
The top was down! Her hair is blowing all over the place and probably looks like Buckwheat when she gets to where she is going. No hot woman would ever do that… OK… maybe one or two, but the majority would put the top up or put a hat on or pull the hair back somehow. They, like any good soldier, know that if you want to use the gun again, you have to keep it clean and serviceable.

This woman really was just a catalyst for me to rant. She is only guilty of driving like a total ass. But lets face it, being an ass is not gender specific… but it does seem to be class specific at times.

Keep it real and STFU.

Kendra Wilkinson

2008-07-30T09:55:00.000-07:00

I really hate this chick...

now, I am all for respecting women so I don't like to throw the word "chick" around, but this female is a walking vagina. That is not my designation for her... that is how she has defined her existence through her actions. For those who don't know her... she is one of I believe three centerfold models that were chosen to pollute our television broadcasting via crappy reality show about three sets of nice tits that get into various adventures. I have seen it a few times...but I turn the sound off because it just ruins the show for me.

Now, I am not a holy roller by any means. In fact, I REALLY appreciate a fine looking woman...REALLY! But this chick has convinced herself that the world revolves around her crotch. She is the worst kind of woman.... Beautiful, stupid and cocky.

Too bad... I will need to pray for a truck to flatten this bizatch. Definitely someone that the world would not miss.

David Caruso: DisHonorable Mention

2008-06-30T14:55:00.000-07:00

So, instead of jumping right into the long list of past hate recipients, lets start off with some honorable mentions:

David Caruso: I can use his real name because I don't care what he thinks... there are enough people that hate him, we could get a class action suit together and legally prevent him from breeding. Who was the mud brain that decided to cast this piece of crap as the lead role in a crime drama. It seriously looks like Richie Cunningham and Dirty Harry bumped uglies out back of the Blue Moon Bar and Gay parenting clinic and nine gruesome months later, this red headed creepy infant popped out of a bung hole and whispered "Waaaa" and removed its sunglasses with a sideways glance at the abomination of a doctor whore who delivered it.

I seriously don't see how anyone on the cast of this show can keep a straight face... Oh yeah because Caruso is so tough.. they are all afraid of what might happen if they get the carrot topped pipsqueak upset. I really cannot blame the actor.... there are more deserving people.. like the person that chose to first cast him as the part and then did not take a moment and talk to the script writers to let them know that they hired Mary Poppins to play the part of Mad Max and the dialog needs revised so ol' Mary P. doesn't look to ridiculous spouting off to the bad guys. And the script writers that have continually written the words "Horatio turns his head around removing his sunglasses and with a sideways glance whispers (Insert old Clint Eastwood lines here)"

Oh where to start!

2008-06-30T14:50:00.000-07:00

I feel like a fat chick standing in front of an unattended dessert cart. There are so many deserving dishes I should sample it is hard to decide where to start. Pastries? Candies? Crapbox Losers? Yeah that will do!

Introduction to your demise

2008-06-30T14:42:00.000-07:00

First things first. I hate you.

I know, I have never met you, but lets be honest, your not perfect and I am a complete jerk, so we probably would not hit it off. Just take your lumps and move along.

If I have met you and you managed not to piss me off or offend me in any way, AND I managed to retain some positive image of you in spite of your loser tendencies... I will mention that here as well. If you see yourself in this post... let me know... I might care.