Pick it up!

If you are one of those people with a loud custom ring tone enabled on your phone... this message is for you.

You know who you are! The guy with the old school rap tune that repeats “I like big butts!” every time you get a call. Or even if you use an ordinary ring tone but have it cranked up so loud that you can hear it if you leave it at home while you go to the store.

I want to let you in on something. If you feel the need to do this, you automatically give up your right to screen your calls.

There is to be no screwing around when that phone rings! Answer it!

It might have been trendy 15 years ago to let that infernal noise broadcast the fact that you were one of the lucky few to have one of those new fangled cordless telephones, but now that every kid in third grad has one, it is just annoying.

When that phone rings, you have an obligation to do whatever it takes to stop the noise.

Okay, okay! We all readily acknowledge the fact that someone cares enough to dial your number on purpose… and that, in itself, demonstrates that you are not a complete and utter failure as a human being (maybe). But the truth is that we just don’t care enough to make it worth the level of annoyance it causes

You may think it's a “cute” representation of your individuality, and that everyone instantaneously finds you irresistibly original, but we actually hate you and plot your painful demise with each call you receive.

Oh, and if you are in a theater or other public place where other people are trying to do ANYTHING, and you get a call on your cell phone…take it OUTSIDE!

Unless the babysitter is on fire… I think we can all let that one slide.

Walk "thith" way please

What is with the guy that refuses to let another man hold the door open for him? I cant tell you how many times I have opened a door (only because I got to it first) and held it open for people behind me, only to find one guy who refuses to walk through a door held open by a man... like it is going to make you look like less of a man because another guy holds a door for you!

Seriously! Some guys will just stop dead in their tracks and refuse to proceed through the door. It's like they somehow feel that I have magically transformed a seemingly harmless door into a "Gay-o-nator" (I may have watched one to many episodes of Phineas & Ferb with my kids) that will instantaneously cause your clothes to match and make you an expert on Broadway musicals.

There may be some folks out there that get their kicks by lingering around busy doorways in an attempt to pick out men that appear to be insecure in their masculinity and force them to wear floral print sun dresses, but I assure you that most of us are just trying to be nice for a change.

Smell you later

So I get it. You stink. Why is it that you just don't bathe? Instead, you insist on showering in perfume or cologne. Okay, I have been told by my wife that if you put on a little, It wears off so you put on a bunch and when the stench dies down, you have an odor that will carry you through the day.

I have a earth shattering idea! Put on a little... Then carry some with you and put some more on later when the initial coat is gone.

I want to kick you in your Facebook!

I think Facebook is a real great idea. I am not really into it personally, but I can admit that networking with friends and family can be fun and Facebook is as good a tool as any I guess.

My "issue" is with the morons that use Facebook like some form of Twitter account (Not to be confused with the morons that actaually use Twitter accounts). Let me clear this up for you... it is a waste of your time and mine If you post random fragmented thoughts with no purpose or background.

What you fail to understand (at least I hope it is as simple as you not understanding) is that we, the unlucky members of your "friends", will see all of your posts on our pages.

Most of the time we have no idea what you happen to be looking at right now...

We were not on the phone call you just got off of and...

we cannot read your tiny mind.

So, when you post some fragmented thought like:

"I like that too"

Or

"u r a hatr"

we don't know what the hell you are talking about! It means about as much to the rest of the world as those gang signs posted on the freeway overpass.

All we see is proof that your Attention Deficit medication needs to be double dosed.

If you are going to share any of the crap that goes through your head, at least explain it so we dont have to guess why we dont return your calls.

Buy a vowel d_mb_ss!

The letter U, even though it sounds like the word "you", is never an acceptable substitution for the actual word. The same goes for the letter R. It is not the same as the word "are".

If you are going to spend the time to create some form of literary graffiti and place it in the face of the unsuspecting masses, then try not to blatantly point out the failings of the U.S. educational system.

If you really feel, deep in your shallow heart, that anyone really cares what was on your mind today at 10:05am, when anyone with an actual purpose in life, was earning some form of wage, while you were contemplating the secrets of the universe from your place in the Starbucks line... Then at least spend the extra three seconds to make sure that "normal" people can read your mindless dribble.

If you cannot afford the minimal effort that requires, at least be considerate enough to limit the publication of your memoirs to the bathroom stall at that old truck-stop out on the interstate... or the Internet equivalent of that stall... Twitter.

Drive off a cliff already!

OK... If you see a merge sign and the bent line (which designates the MERGE lane) is on your side of the road, it is YOUR resposibility to find a way to get your ass into the lane next to you. It is nobody elses duty but yours. If I am in that lane don't honk at me for not going out of my way to make room for your ass. Slow down an find a hole.

And while I am at it... If the traffic lanes are being reduced because of an accident, road work, or just the mental incompetance of the city engineers, don't be the TOOL that rides all the way to the very end of the merging lane when other people have taken the time to get over ahead of time. It only demonstrates your ignorance and eventually will end in a terrible but justified road rage incident.

Kendra Wilkinson

I really hate this chick...

now, I am all for respecting women so I don't like to throw the word "chick" around, but this female is a walking vagina. That is not my designation for her... that is how she has defined her existence through her actions. For those who don't know her... she is one of I believe three centerfold models that were chosen to pollute our television broadcasting via crappy reality show about three sets of nice tits that get into various adventures. I have seen it a few times...but I turn the sound off because it just ruins the show for me.

Now, I am not a holy roller by any means. In fact, I REALLY appreciate a fine looking woman...REALLY! But this chick has convinced herself that the world revolves around her crotch. She is the worst kind of woman.... Beautiful, stupid and cocky.

Too bad... I will need to pray for a truck to flatten this bizatch. Definitely someone that the world would not miss.